Again, about the only thing on my mind lately is David. This trip was quite possibly my hardest thus far. I arrived on Sunday and he had a touch of pneumonia and running a fever. We struggled fighting that Sunday night and Monday morning. Later in the day on Monday, he wanted out of the bed. They had released the balloon on the trach and he was able to talk, sounding like the character in the movie Sling Blade. But, it was a lot easier to communicate. He had a great day and the fever went away. He had lots of visitors and even Aunt Bonnie came from Wise County to see him. Since he was in a good mood, and talking easily, we needed to discuss the future with him, or at least the near future. We talked till about 9:00pm shortly before he went to bed for the night. Some of the things we discussed, he hadn't thought about up until this point and It upset him. At one point in the night he was even angry with me and his dad. I could just imagine the thoughts running through his mind and the thought of that pained me. By Tuesday morning things were better and he and I talked some more. His attitude, and mood had changed dramatically. A swallow test was scheduled for 10:00am and I went downstairs with him to watch the test. It was amazing watching that on that on the monitors. I assume it was an MRI machine. He passed the test with flying colors and was even able to drink through a straw from a glass of ice water when we returned to the room. Then, all of a sudden he started getting sleepy. He just couldn't stay awake at all. Even for his next two appointments for therapy. He just wanted back in bed, the exact opposite of what he had been wanting, which was to set up in the wheelchair. When I left yesterday evening, he was sleeping peacefully. I talked to his dad last night about 7:30 and he said that he had woken back up a couple of hours before and was wide awake, and feeling great. That was good news because it worried me how fast he had gotten tired.
So, what was so bad? It wasn't staying with him for 48 hours non stop. It wasn't the talk we had and him getting upset. It wasn't the drive back and forth. It was the fact that this time when I left, I left feeling guilty. I could walk out of TIRR. I could drive. I could text on my phone. I could take a
shower. I could get up and go to work. I could just about do anything.......and he can't. Two things have hit me in the last few days. Guilt, and why? Why him? He's such a great guy. Always happy, smiling and cutting up about something. He was always helping someone. He was there for his nieces. He also had a ready made family when his best fried died of cancer, and David stepped in to help his two boys by taking them to ball games and taking them to regularly scheduled movie nights. Your Facebook page was updated regularly with jokes posted by him, he said, "just to make us smile". I just can't answer the question. Why?
Trust me, this isn't about ME. Don't feel sorry for me, I'm good. I will keep on being me. I have faith in my God and understand that all of this is out of my hands.
6 comments:
Why bad things happen to good people is way over my pay grade. I do know that what Satan intends for evil, God will turn to good to those called acording to His purpose. Exactly how that will manifest in this situation, I have no clue. I guess this is where faith comes in but in is easier having faith sitting in the bleachers than actually being involved in the game. Hopefully, you and David know that you're loved and being prayed for.
It is just a sad situation for anyone to suddenly realize that they may never get out of a chair again. Same way it is when the realization hits you when a spouse or best friend passes away you are never going to talk to them again, be able to give them that good-bye kiss. People should think about these things all the time not just when it happens or about to happen.
I hate the questions we are so often faced with, those same questions you are asking now. I have seen answers to those questions that left everyone saying, "oh, that's what God had planned." Sadly, I've also seen the answers to those questions leaving people wondering why God didn't answer their prayers.
I have to remind myself that God understands suffering. Sometimes he does things that make no sense to us but I can only trust that He knows. I believe He sent His son to die for me and that doesn't make sense either. Again, that's where my thinking goes to deal with the questions and it may not be the right solution for you or anyone else.
I'm remain in prayer for all of you.
Asking God to cover you with feathers. God bless you Wendell and meet your needs. May He help you carry this cross.
I struggle with WHY too Wendell, and guilt. It feels so unfair to still be here, when Hal is not, and to still be healthy, when David is struggling. Awesome guy does not begin to describe it. I feel especially guilty that I have not gotten back in to see him, and it is not that I, that WE, do not care. Seeing him struggling, has put some memories that I have fought so long and so hard to push to the back, right back in front. David deserves more from me than I have been able to give right now. He means so very much to these boys of mine, and this is hitting them with the WHYs too...Why my Dad, and now Why my Uncle David. There are no easy answers here, but for what it is worth, I think you are one outstanding cousin/brother/friend.
There are many moments in every single day in which I wonder why. Why me? Why you? Why him? Why her?
I am beginning to learn that it is not for me, or you, to know. It is for us to learn from, grown from on some level. It is for us to find knew ways to be human and live life.
It's not fair. None of it is fair ever. And the garbage about God only gives what we can handle, or what doesn't kill you will make you stronger? I call a big fat B.S. on that junk. Those are terms that some healthy brainiac came up with in order to make those of us with disabilities feel better about our situation in life.
Nothing can make us feel better. Nothing. It is what it is. Plain & simple.
There are so many things I would love to say to you on this topic but this isn't the right time or the appropriate format.... so one of these days, we will talk. I don't know that I can help you or David... but maybe.
Your guilt... you are grieving for the loss of your cousin. I know, I know. You didn't lose him. But you did lose him in the sense that he's not the man you knew. He is a new man with a new normal.
And all those feelings you have? Take those feelings and increase them by a bazillion and I promise you that is exactly what David is feeling.
Hug him, love him, listen to him. Offer to help before jumping in (that's a big one). Sometimes we want to try things on our own first, even if we fail. It's important to regain some independence somehow. So be sure to ask if help is needed before assuming it is wanted. It's hard to do as the bystander - the natural instinct is to jump in and do for him. That's my unsolicited advice :)
Know that God is with you and David and the rest of the family. He will lead you. In His own time.
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