Friends And No Friends

I began this post a few weeks ago just to get some thoughts out that had been stirring around in my brain for a few days/months/years. Sometimes I just write a long letter and never send it to the person, or post it on here for various reasons. Sometimes there is no reason other than just wanting to vent and no place to vent it. W-spouse and I have a wonderful relationship in as much as we can communicate lots of things to each other. Where we run into problems is when I don't listen to her thoughtful and much more rational ideas.Then we tend to run into a wall. As much as I hate to admit it, especially in a public forum, most of the time her way of thinking is far more intellectual than mine. I can vent to her at any time, but, I don't always like her advice. On this particular topic she has given me much advice. We have talked many hours about it and she has given me the courage to move forward. She has been an inspiration in many posts on this blog, sometimes unknowingly. Her thoughts and antics have produced more than a few funny posts. Before I begin I want to say "Thank You Whitney" for being by my side and for struggling daily with my insecurities in this matter. I love you!

Oh where to begin? Go back in time 5-20 years or so. I lived in another town not to far away. I was married with two small children. I was an active member of the local Volunteer Fire Department and participated in any capacity that surrounded it. I was involved with my childrens activities, but not as much as I should have. That's another story for another time though. I spent many hours riding with the local Police on the weekends. I also would fish and hunt whenever I got the chance. Our family would spend any chance we could at the lake skiing, fishing and swimming with all our lake friends. I worked full time at a rock crusher, and later on drilling Rat Holes and made many friends there also. I worked small jobs on the side sometimes helping others build things from small fencing jobs to large boat docks. I would help friends with cattle sometimes, which I enjoyed very much, tagging, sorting and giving them shots as needed. I bought a motorcycle in the later years and some of my friends also had motorcycles and we would ride anytime we could, going to many motorcycle rallies and other events. Sometimes just riding on a Sunday to lunch somewhere and back. We would have an annual New Years party at our house that was attended by many friends for nearly ten years in a row. After the annual local Rodeo, we would all come to my house and have a party that lasted into the morning every year. When the Dallas Cowboys would play, it would not be out of the norm for there to be ten people over watching the game. My cousin from Houston would drive or fly up nearly every weekend to watch the games with us. During the Cowboys winning seasons of the 90s, another one of my cousins would come in from college, usually dragging along a few girls with him to spend Saturday nights and watch the game on Sunday. During my first marriage, my brother-in-law and I had become very close. He was one of my closest friends, someone I could share anything with. Him and I spent countless hours in the woods together chasing that elusive Whitetail buck and many more hours trying to catch more Crappie than anyone else on the lake.

As you can tell I never lacked for friends. I never lacked for friendship. There was always someone to talk too, someone to work with, someone to ride with, someone to play with, someone to hunt and fish with, someone to party with. I could pick up the phone always find someone to hang out with or to come over to my house and hang out. Without fail, there was always someone to go ride on the bikes with at the drop of a hat. Very few moments were spent without me being with friends.

Websters define friends as follows:
1. One attached to another by affection or esteem.
2. One that is not hostile.
3. One that is the same nation, party or group.
4. A favored companion.
Websters define friendship as follows:
1. The state of being friends.
2. The quality or state of being friendly. Friendliness.

I was attached to many of my friends. I was so attached to my friends that I sometimes lacked being a good father and husband. I always wanted them to like me, and say good things about me to others. I needed their approval and valued their opinons of me. I held many of them in high esteem. I could only hope that I could develop the work ethic that some of my friends had, and for others it was their enthusiasm for many hours of volunteer work, and others their financial wisdom through hard work that made them secure. Some of my friends were much older and some many years younger, both of which I respected the generations in which they were raised and tried to fit in within that group when I was with them. Very few times were there any hostile moments, most of which was an understanding that when you came to my house, there was to be no fighting, or arguing. We had our disagreements, but to the best of my memory, never a hostile environment. When everyone was around me, whether at our home, a deer camp, or at the lake, we all felt like we were one family or party. No one felt alone or out of place. Our group rides were very theraputic for us all, a time to get away and relax. A favored companion. I must say without a doubt in my mind that during those years, my brother-in-law was a favored companion. Never a day went by that we didn't see each other or work together or call each other. I say this only because the cousin that I speak so highly of lived in Houston and couldn't be here with me all the time, every day. If he would have lived here, or me there, I have no doubt that we could have bonded in an inseperable way. My other younger cousin got married and moved to the big city and we never got to see much of each other. In order, brother-in-law, cousin in Houston and younger cousin, those were the favorites. I had a special bond with a much older friend that I could write another chapter on whose friendship I respect and admire to this day. His wisdom and knowledge in farming and cattle far surpasses any one person that I ever worked with. His strength and endurance had me panting at the end of many a day riding a tractor or clearing brush in a field. So many times I would get off work and go find him in the field and we would spend the evening working while the sun went  down. A favored companion he was also.

I find myself questioning my friendship to these people now. After a divorce things change. People change. relationships change. Friends change. Some say they don't, but they do. I did. Read that last line again, I DID. I changed. I remarried. I moved to another town. My priorities changed. I wasn't readily available. The brother-in-law that I once had a cherished relationship with became my enemy for a few years. We talk now and visit when we see each other and still set around and have a few drinks and remember old times, but we are no longer in a friendship. My younger cousin got married, divorced and remarried and started a family. We no longer are together like we once were and our friendship became strained due to lack of effort on my part and his. The many friends that I rode motorcycles with came around less and less. The calls to go meet somewhere finally just faded away. At the lake where my ex-wifes family and our families once played together every weekend and now the tension was so high it was unbearable by many and we just quit hanging out together. The quality time that we once shared was now blasted into space by the divorce. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that my divorce was the sole reason that I don't have the same friends now, but there were members of her family that I was very close with and it's never the same. I do feel that because I have changed and they have changed, our friendship has become distant. My friendship with my cousin in Houston remains unchanged and due to our brotherly like relationship, I hope that it never does.

As time moves on I find myself making new friends with every passing day. I have made new friends where I work, where I play, and at church just like I did back then. I think back to the parties, the group rides, some of the lake times and I feel like I was the glue. Sometimes I wonder if I was the center hub. I sometimes wonder if I managed, by my nature and personality, to create the friendships and bonds that I grew to love. That may just be an egotistical way of thinking, sounding somewhat wrapped up in the thought that would there have been as much fun if I hadn't have been there? I'm sure those friends would have had just much fun without me being there. I'm sure they have made new friends also. I can't help but wonder if they miss me. If they miss the days at the lake, the days in the fields, the days and nights working together. The many parties and get togethers, football games and so on.  I know I do. I will never ever regret making the decisions that I have and the choices that I did that have gotten me to this stage in my life. I love my new friends and feel those same special bonds that I did then. It will take years to rebuild that structure and stability that comes from a friendship like I shared with others back then.  I have always been the type of person that needs friends around and people around. I don't like to eat alone, play alone, fish or hunt alone or go to the lake alone. I continually make new friends. I just hope that I can learn from my past mistakes and become as good a friend to others as they have been to me in the past. I also hope and pray that I can contribute to the relationship as many rewards as I have recieved over the years.

WW